Richard Simmons Kicked My Butt!

I sat on the hardwood floor stretching before the workout and observing the clientele which was probably 80% female, and ranged in age from 18-80 and 100-300 pounds. It was an eclectic mix of chubs, skinnies, gays, old ladies, nubile young ladies, and four French dudes gearin’ up to goof on Richard Simmons, the 1980‘s fitness icon.
I was a bit taken aback by the loud sudden entrance of Richard Simmons into his workout studio, but the lasting memory will be the smell. Flamboyant, and bathed in flowery “grandma perfume,” Richard entered his studio hugging and kissing everyone, me included.
Slimmons, the exercise studio, that Richard started in 1974 is located in the civic center area of Beverly Hills. The studio is frozen in 80’s green and pink pastel colored walls, fake marble columns, white icicle Christmas lights, mirrors, and a disco ball in the center.
As recommended, I got there an hour before the class to find an orange traffic cone with a paper taped to it stating “Parking for Richard Only.” I paid my $12 class fee signed my release and tried to buy a shirt with Richard’s face on it and the saying, “I sweat with Richard Simmons.” They didn‘t have that one in my size so I settled for a “Richard Simmons kicked my butt” t-shirt.
I claimed my exercise real estate in the back corner next to a lady that looked like Maria Conchita Alonso’s less-attractive sister and a fairly small-framed lady with so much junk in the trunk that she needed to rent a storage unit. She did her bend-over stretches too close for comfort, and a young lady in purple tites with pink knee-high argyle socks and shorts that had Princess written across her ass.
After Richard, dressed in a ripped red bedazzled Sweatin’ To The Oldies top, a pearl bracelet, and his trademark Dolphin shorts, had greeted everyone in the class with a hug or a kiss, he turned down the blaring music long enough to yell into the microphone, “Okay, I’m feelin’ it today! You bitches are gonna get your $12 worth!”
He cranked up a sped-up dance mix of “Greatest Love of All” which made Whitney sound like a chipmunk and we all started rapidly moving body parts in sync.
The class was a constantly moving lessoning in tough love, with a side of comedy and creepiness. He’d call us Bitches and Bastards, and then say, “I love you” and “I believe in you.” It was kind of like if you joined the Marines and Liberace was your Drill Instructor for Basic Training!
“High kicks, touch your tits!” Richard screamed into the microphone. “You’re moving like you’re in a coffin. Are you girls on your period?”
At one point Richard had everyone form a big circle and he selected a few people to do a aerobic spotlight-style stroll with him. I was lucky enough to be one of the few, the proud, the chosen, so off I went into the center of the room shadow boxing and sashaying in front of everyone holding Richards hand to the blaring dance mix of Bryan Adams’ song “Summer of ’69.”
We then did some weight exercises with dumbbells, and then crunches and push-ups on the mats. We finished with some stretching where Richard told us to bend our backs and straighten them out.
“Bend it like Peckum,“ he said.
“It’s Beckum,“ someone yelled back.
Richard jokingly shot back, “I’m an icon, but I can’t get everything right!”
The class ended with Richard telling us about his recent acquisition of some limited edition Barbie dolls, and the conversation that he had with the customer service representative that he ordered them from. The class then sang Happy Birthday to one of the regulars who had lost 70 pounds and kept it off.
Richard‘s final words to the class were, “Work out for an hour a day, and eat a salad!”
I gave Richard a copy of my book and took a picture with him. I was again overwhelmed by the grandma perfume which had not weakened from the workout. On the drive home I reflected on the experience. My t-shirt was wet with sweat, and I had to laugh as I sneezed several times still trying to get Richard’s “grandma perfume” out of my nose.

Life Lesson Learned: Be happy with who you are, and always be improving.

Related Quote: “I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I’m a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I’m sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people.”
Richard Simmons

How You Can Do It Too: Slimmons 9306 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, CA (310) 275-4663.